Saturday, October 16, 2010

So, it's official I'm a fuck up

I don't know why I always do this. I always say "I'm definitely gonna start a fast tomorrow" then I gorge myself with food so that I can have one last day of freedom in preparation for my fasting. Except, the next day I do the same thing. lol. WHERE DID ALL MY DISCIPLINE GO??? Jeez I always do this. I mean most times I end up purging but I hate to purge. Then the times that I don't purge I just end up sitting wallowing in my guilt and shame. Ugh I irritate myself. I did the same "I'll eat today cuz I'm starting a fast tomorrow thing" like every day this week. lol pathetic i know. But it's like I can't help it. Well I can I'm just not trying. And I don't know why not I mean I'm at my fattest right now. I need to buckle down and get serious like Lindsay Lohan is serious about her drugs. I feel so gross right now too cuz my dad brought home Burger King for me tonight. And I wasn't even hungry but I still ate it. Cuz that's just the kinda shamu I am. I didn't eat all though. I threw half of my whopper out. {yes my dad bought me a DOUBLE WHOPPER} and half of my fries out. And I drank the soda. I think I just lost discipline cuz I dont wear my rubber band on my wrist anymore. I know it sounds silly but you see I have these little rituals that keep me from eating. Like snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenevr I feel hungry or pinching my thighs. I have a BUNCH of stuff. I mean not so much that I look like this
cuz that's just dumb. After a while I would just be like fuck this shit and eat a sandwich

I think Ill devote a whole page to my little habits and rituals, tomorrow or some other day.

But they seriously do help though. Like last summer (09) I fasted for like a month and I lost 40 pounds {that's like an olsen twin fyi}.. well maybe it wasnt a month and I think it was just a month cuz it seemed so friggin long. After the first 3 days though, it wasn't bad. I just had hunger pains. But it wasn't like OMG CALL THE POPE I'M IN PAIN. It was like "ugh pain" moves on with life. and i think it's because of my friends on prettythin too. That is THE most awesome pro ana site ever. everybody's so nice and warm and cuddly like what I imagine Kirsty Alley's bellybutton to be like... without the moisture. Gosh I need to stop being mean ot Kirstie Alley I dunno why she's just been popping up in my head so much.

Anyways back to the story, yeah I had so much support and ana buddies who were fasting with me too. But then I stopped cuz I was gettin too confident. I was like HELL YEAH I'M A SKINNY BITCH KISS MY ASS then I gained back like 20 cuz I ate a boat load of shit. Since then I haven't tried as hard. Im such a pathetic case lol. But i promise from tomorrow I'll try my hardest cuz I have a new prettythin profile :) u kno just hintin if u guys wanna add me. haha ok Im done. Ill be sure to post tomorrow and let u guys know how Im doin.

Stay skinny bitches

No comments:

Post a Comment