Tuesday, October 19, 2010

2 pounds!

I love that feeling. The feeling I get when I wake up in the morning and run to the scale to see I've lost weight.. Today I got that feeling :) 2 pounds. I'm SO happy I didn't give in to all that greasy temptation last night. *pats self on shoulder*... The thing is the feeling only lasts for a split second. Then I remember that Im still a fat ass. It just motivates me though, to keep going, so everyday I could see the numbers on the scale go down and down and down..

But this 5g thing is working so far. So I hope I get to my GW1 by the 31st. Halloween. Yuck another hurdle for me to jump over with my fat ass. My house is always FILLED with candy and chocolate and sweet demon treats.. Last year was an epic disaster. I thing I must have eaten about 5 pounds of candy and chocolate. I purged after but it was soo hard so I gave up and went to bed wallowing in my fat.

Whatever. This year I'm gonna try to keep my skinny girl blinders on and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So far today I've had 3.5 grams of fat so far. So my allowance is 1.5... I'll save that for tonight when I feel all cravey.. Oh also I posted a new diet page.. I know not everyone is ana/mia. Some people wanna lose weight healthily. Not me but some people. So I posted a diet plan my nutritionist gave me that is supposed to keep you at a healthy weight. Or help you lose weight at a healthy rate if you're overweight. It does actually work but it's so much to eat I couldn't do it.. I would end up buying the stuff and throwing it out. Or purging :/ man i purge a lot. Anyways u can check that out.

Anyways this post was supposed to be about what happened last night. I always ramble so much. Anywho my mom came home last night with her cholesterol goodie bag and lemme just say the smell coming from a piping hot pizza when you've eaten a freakin apple, it makes u wanna slap ur mama. but I wanna slap my mom a lot of the time. Anyways I got on PT and started asking people for advice because I was pretty sure I was gonna go binge crazy.. But I didn't. I just kept snapping my wrist with my rubber band and I posted a bajillion thinspo pics. Looking at millions of skinny girls got my head back in the right place.

Right enough to cook. Now I don't mean to toot my own horn but I am an amazing cook. I've been doing it  for the past 9 years. And I cook to order. So yeah, Im pretty good. I dunno why but cooking greasy fattening artery clogging food for others and not eating it always makes me feel so good. Watching them all eating eat, knowing how much oil and grease I made everything with. By the time I had finished cooking I wasn't even really tempted to eat any of the disgusting meatballs I had made. Just looking at them reminds me of cellulite lol... It actually looks pretty disgusting when I think about it.. Or I make myself think it's disgusting. Whatever it helps.

Haha probably thinkin wtf why is she taking pics of her meatballs. Bleh gross. Lol looking at food helps me curb cravings lol I know weird. I actually watch the food network 50% of the time. It's the scent of thing that gets me all crazy..

But Im off to go walking now :)

Monday, October 18, 2010


SHIT! I knew this day was too good to be true..... The only reason I lasted so long was because I had no temptation. But wait it's my mom to the rescue.

She just called all excited "oh by the way i bought dinner. I didn't know what you wanted so I bought PIZZA BURRITOS and SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS" ugh thank you mother. Thing is i told her I was starting a new diet. and she knows its not a starvation diet because she saw me eat my yogurt this morning.. she proabably doesn't want me to be skinner than her. Cuz she's not gonna eat ANY of that shit.

She's almost home with a buffet of delectable deliciousness and I'm friggin hungry. Damn

Any suggestions on how not to break my stride?? Help


5g of fat

So yesterday I said that I would only eat a max of 5g of fat per day.. Well today is the first day and I  haven't failed. I havent binged and purged like I usually do. I ACTUALLY stuck to my plan. :) I better lose weight.  or I WILL shoot someone.. or kick something. lol.

So far I've eaten yogurt which is 100 cals no fat grams, an apple which is 35 cals 0.1 grams of fat and 8 wheaty things that were 3.5 grams of fat. I don't really feel hungry or the urge to binge because Ive started with my rubber band method again. Random: I found a bag of rubber bands in my living room this morning. lol. And I drank a bunch of calorie free flavored water. It's so delish :) anyways I have 1.5 grams of fat left

ooh 1.5 grams of fat left SO MANY OPTIONS!! i think i might just have some lettuce and celery or a cracker if i feel really hungry later..

I'll keep u posted
later skinny minnies

Sunday, October 17, 2010

prom dress nightmare

I wasn't gonna post anything else but I just randomly remembered this and it mad me so mad I wanted to slap a bitch.. There wasn't anyone around so I'll just vent here. Ok so CLEARLY I have body image issues so shopping for a prom dress was not number one on my fun stuff list. Before you hear this story, you should know that every shopping involves me crying. lol.

Anyways on with the story.. After a bajillion stores and some tears I was ready to just go home. But my mom insisted that we were NOT going home empty handed. And I really don't like shopping with my mom anyways she always yells at me "jeez you and ur body issues", "if you're unhappy just lose some weight".. oh yeah sure, easy. Cuz for the last few years I've starving myself for the fun of it. Silly me I totally forgot about my skinny magic wand. FUCK YOU BITCH..

Whatever, I could write a book on my mom issues lol. Anyways, it's like 8:30 p.m. and we go into some random ugly store and this lady starts bringing out the UGLIEST dresses I've ever seen in my life. Eventually I try on one and My thighs look hugeeee, my ass looks.. let's say less than perfect and the fabric shows up my whole stomach. So I start to cry and don't wanna come out of the changing room. I mean this dress was horrible I looked like rosie o'donnell's fat sister.

So I wanna take the dress off but my mom and the Jamaican store clerk wanna see me in it. I say no and THEN the jamaican lady picks the lock and is like "OMG you look so good... u look saucy like me" and then she pinches my thighs and slaps my ass... mind you this lady was like 300 POUNDS!!! I was so pissed off.. Ugh I can never get those words out of my head... you're saucy? What the fuck is that supposed to mean.. fat bitch. I hate that lady.

Cut the Calorie Counting

So I've noticed something, a lot of the time, things have quite a few calories but no fat content so, from now on, I'm gonna count my fat gram intake per day.. I'm gonna try to keep it at 3-5 per day.. That means I can still eat things like yougurt which have zero grams of fat but still have 100 calories. That way I won't starve to death. And this is much better than fasting. {Yup, just like I predicted, the fast thing didn't work much for me} lol dont get me wrong I didn't binge or anything I had under 500 cals. But, whenever I fast, I gain back most of the weight once I eat again... And eating is obviously inevitable. No matter how much you try YOUR GONNA HAVE TO EAT SOMETIME.. like this one time I fasted for 2 weeks and I was so afraid of gaining back the weight I ate nothing but lettuce and celery for the next 3 weeks after that. Yeah I was skinny but my shit was green for a month LOL. ok ok tmi sorry. And eventually I ate again, which I couldn't really avoid and gained back a crapload of the weight.

So now I'm gonna count my fat grams. So I'll be intaking minimal fat but my stomach won't be completely empty at all times. {Although I do like the feeling of being empty.. It's like a get a high off my emptiness}. And this was is also healthier (I know right hypocritical much.. talking abt health) *queue the eye roll*... Sooo I shall post updates on how my restricted fat gram diet goes.. It's been proven to work well though. I know this girl who lost over 50 pounds and had been able to keep it off for over a year now by eating 5g of fat everyday... bitch. lol kidding. kinda. haha..

hope this works for me! eek

Saturday, October 16, 2010

My thinspo book.. Kinda lame but totally cool at the same time

So yesterday I remember mentioning my thinspo book and how amazing it is. Now some may think it's kinda corny but I love it. I don't think I could get through a day without it. In it, I have pics of food next to like rotting animal carcases and maggots to turn me off of food. I always look at it when I'm hungry.. It always works. Well most of the time anyways lol.

I know, right gross but it works so try it. I also have a bajillion pics of models and pics of what my ideal body looks like. Like my Kate Moss page has all her stats and stuff about her.. Lol it's kind of totally lame but it motivates me ok! hah I have a bunch of different pages dedicated to different people. Like Mary-Kate Olsen. I mean sure she looks homeless most times but her body is amazing.
In my book I also have my reasons why being ana is worth it, tips and tricks, quotes to live by and a bunch of stuff that I read every day. Oh and I almost forgot it's like my diary as well. I write everything I've eaten for the day and how many cals they add up to.. I also write my feelings and all that mushy fun stuff too lol. It's actually kind of great. I stick in fat pics of myself and pics of my skinny bitch friends *envy* and it helps me not want to eat...

The only kind of hard part was hiding it where no one could find it. I tried my underwear drawer but oddly enough that was NOT  a safe place. lol I also tried under my bed and it DID NOT WORK lol it got all dusty and gross. Maybe I just need to clean my room lol. Now it's between my two matresses :] I doubt anyone is gonna go digging through my matresses any time soon. lol. So make a book it's soo helpful!

hope this was helpful!

bitchy "friends" and blowjobs

Haha so the name of the post was just to get your attention but I was thinking of a friend that I had from back in the 8th grade and how our friendship deteriorated. Well before we even started going to skl together in 8th grade she was my neighbour for years. Friend who shall not be named {but let's just call her fat cow for the fun of it}was always really chubby until 10th or 11th grade when she got all health conscious and crazy. She started yelling at me like she was a big know-it-all telling me what to eat and when to eat it. What was healthy and what wasn't. Ugh I was just like bitch shut up. Anyways she went all healthy crazy and lost a bunch of weight by the summer before we were seniors and then she let all her skinny go to her head. I guess it's cuz she never got any guys when she was an oompa loompa she tried to make up for lost time? Whatever. She became a whore. Like going down on random dude we just met a party kinda whore. YEAH! Not once, not twice, but... I don't even know how many times lol. Anyhoo, homegirl stopped hanging out with our group as much and started acting all bitch. THEN my friend (who was also supposed to be fat cow's friend at the time) had a boyfriend who fat cow decided to sleep with. His girlfriend hadn't even slept with him yet. But then fat cow said she should have known how to please him herself. I KNOW RIGHT!! It's like when you're watching tv and u can't understand why the mistress thinks she's right! {No disrespect to the mistresses of the world} actuallyDISRESPECT
... So back to the story. She slept with my friend's bf and after a while we forgave her i guess. Well not completely but she ate lunch with us sometimes. Cut to the chase, this summer I saw a pic of her on fb and she was HUGE. I mean BIGG. and i thought nah it's my imagination.

Then I saw her in person HAHAHA She's an orca whale. She gained back all the weight and then some. And I know I sound like a vindictive bitch right now but I can't help it. hahah

What goes around comes around bitch....
Lesson of the day? Well I dont really know but it's one hell of a story
xoxo skinnies

So, it's official I'm a fuck up

I don't know why I always do this. I always say "I'm definitely gonna start a fast tomorrow" then I gorge myself with food so that I can have one last day of freedom in preparation for my fasting. Except, the next day I do the same thing. lol. WHERE DID ALL MY DISCIPLINE GO??? Jeez I always do this. I mean most times I end up purging but I hate to purge. Then the times that I don't purge I just end up sitting wallowing in my guilt and shame. Ugh I irritate myself. I did the same "I'll eat today cuz I'm starting a fast tomorrow thing" like every day this week. lol pathetic i know. But it's like I can't help it. Well I can I'm just not trying. And I don't know why not I mean I'm at my fattest right now. I need to buckle down and get serious like Lindsay Lohan is serious about her drugs. I feel so gross right now too cuz my dad brought home Burger King for me tonight. And I wasn't even hungry but I still ate it. Cuz that's just the kinda shamu I am. I didn't eat all though. I threw half of my whopper out. {yes my dad bought me a DOUBLE WHOPPER} and half of my fries out. And I drank the soda. I think I just lost discipline cuz I dont wear my rubber band on my wrist anymore. I know it sounds silly but you see I have these little rituals that keep me from eating. Like snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenevr I feel hungry or pinching my thighs. I have a BUNCH of stuff. I mean not so much that I look like this
cuz that's just dumb. After a while I would just be like fuck this shit and eat a sandwich

I think Ill devote a whole page to my little habits and rituals, tomorrow or some other day.

But they seriously do help though. Like last summer (09) I fasted for like a month and I lost 40 pounds {that's like an olsen twin fyi}.. well maybe it wasnt a month and I think it was just a month cuz it seemed so friggin long. After the first 3 days though, it wasn't bad. I just had hunger pains. But it wasn't like OMG CALL THE POPE I'M IN PAIN. It was like "ugh pain" moves on with life. and i think it's because of my friends on prettythin too. That is THE most awesome pro ana site ever. everybody's so nice and warm and cuddly like what I imagine Kirsty Alley's bellybutton to be like... without the moisture. Gosh I need to stop being mean ot Kirstie Alley I dunno why she's just been popping up in my head so much.

Anyways back to the story, yeah I had so much support and ana buddies who were fasting with me too. But then I stopped cuz I was gettin too confident. I was like HELL YEAH I'M A SKINNY BITCH KISS MY ASS then I gained back like 20 cuz I ate a boat load of shit. Since then I haven't tried as hard. Im such a pathetic case lol. But i promise from tomorrow I'll try my hardest cuz I have a new prettythin profile :) u kno just hintin if u guys wanna add me. haha ok Im done. Ill be sure to post tomorrow and let u guys know how Im doin.

Stay skinny bitches